I remember the day I finally walked away. My hands were shaking as I blocked their number, but I knew it was now or never. I had to choose myself.
It wasn't because I stopped caring. God, I wish it were that simple. I left because loving them was slowly killing the best parts of me. My self-worth. My peace. My hope for the future.
I thought I'd feel relieved, you know? Free at last. But here's the weird thing – I mostly felt... lost.
Maybe you're in the same boat. You've gone no contact, but something still aches. You wonder, "Why do I feel so messed up when I'm finally out?"
Here's what I've learned: Estrangement isn't just an ending. It's the beginning of a whole new journey – one that's going to challenge everything you thought you knew about yourself.
The Aftermath of No Contact
Let's be real for a second. Going no contact is often portrayed as this triumphant moment of liberation. And yeah, there's power in it. But what they don't tell you is how disorienting it can be.
For weeks after I cut ties, I'd reach for my phone to text them about something funny that happened at work. Or I'd see a gift they'd love while out shopping. It's like my brain hadn't quite caught up with the new reality.
And the holidays? Don't even get me started. That first Thanksgiving alone was a mix of relief (no more awkward family dinners!) and a deep, aching loneliness I wasn't prepared for.
But here's the thing – all of these feelings? They're normal. They're part of the process. And they don't mean you made the wrong choice.
Identity Crisis? Yeah, That's Normal
When you cut ties with toxic family, you're not just losing a relationship. You're losing a role you've played your entire life. For me, it was being the fixer, the peacekeeper, the one who'd bend over backwards to keep everyone happy.
Those parts of us don't magically disappear. They unravel, leaving us face-to-face with the big, scary question: Who am I if I'm not taking care of them anymore?
It's uncomfortable as hell. But I promise you, it's also the doorway to finding yourself.
The Void and the Opportunity
At first, this identity shift feels like a void. You might find yourself with more free time than you know what to do with. Or you might feel weirdly purposeless without the constant drama to manage.
I went through a phase where I threw myself into work, trying to fill that gap. But eventually, I realized this void wasn't something to be feared or filled mindlessly. It was an opportunity.
An opportunity to explore who I am without the weight of toxic expectations. To discover new interests, to nurture friendships I'd neglected, to learn what actually brings me joy.
It's a process, and it takes time. But trust me, it's worth it.
3 Signs You're Ready for Deep Healing
You Feel Weirdly Empty
I expected to feel peaceful after going no contact. Instead, I felt... numb? It was like I'd spent so long being everyone else's emotional support that I didn't know how to feel things for myself anymore.
If this sounds familiar, you might be what some call a "Flame Holder" – the one who's always carried the warmth for everyone else. Now it's time to let that warmth come back to you. It's okay to put yourself first. In fact, it's necessary.
Learning to prioritize your own emotions can feel selfish at first. I struggled with guilt for weeks when I started saying "no" to things I didn't want to do. But gradually, I realized that taking care of myself wasn't selfish – it was essential.
You're Mourning a Fantasy
This one's a mindfuck. You know logically that your family was never capable of giving you what you needed. But part of you still grieves for the parent or sibling you wish you had.
I spent months feeling guilty about this, thinking I was weak for not being "over it." But here's the truth: grieving the relationship you deserved isn't weakness. It's part of healing.
- Allow yourself to feel that grief.
- Write letters you'll never send.
- Talk to a trusted friend about the family you wished you had.
- Acknowledging these feelings is the first step to moving through them.
You're Exhausted, But Determined
You've always been the one who saw the dysfunction, who refused to play along with the family myths. Being the truth-teller is exhausting work.
I hit a point where I was so tired of being the "strong one." But I also knew I couldn't go back. If this resonates, you're not alone. You're not here to destroy your family – you're here to build a better future, starting with yourself.
This exhaustion is real, and it's valid. For years, maybe decades, you've been fighting an uphill battle. You've been gaslit, manipulated, and made to doubt your own reality. It's no wonder you're tired.
But here's the thing – that determination you feel? That's your inner wisdom speaking. It's the part of you that knows you deserve better, even when it's hard.
The Unexpected Challenges of No Contact
Going no contact isn't just about not speaking to certain family members. It can ripple out into other areas of your life in ways you might not expect:
Other Relationships Might Change
Some friends or extended family might not understand your decision. They might pressure you to reconcile or accuse you of being "too sensitive." It's painful, but it's also an opportunity to see who truly supports your well-being.
Your Perception of Past Events Might Shift
As you gain distance, you might start to see past events in a new light. Things that you normalized before might suddenly seem clearly abusive or manipulative. This can be both empowering and deeply unsettling.
You Might Struggle with New Boundaries
After years of having your boundaries violated, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in other relationships can feel foreign. You might swing between being too rigid and too permissive as you figure out what feels right for you.
Success Might Feel Scary
This one surprised me. As I started to heal and succeed in my career, I felt a strange anxiety. I realized I was afraid of outgrowing my family, of becoming someone they couldn't relate to. It's okay if part of you still craves that connection, even as you know it's not healthy.
The Journey of Self-Discovery
Going no contact isn't just about what you're leaving behind. It's about what you're moving towards. This is your chance to rediscover (or discover for the first time) who you really are.
Some Questions to Explore:
- What did you love doing as a child, before family expectations took over?
- What values are truly important to you, not just what you were taught to value?
- What does a healthy relationship look like to you?How do you want to feel in your daily life?
These aren't easy questions, and you don't need to have all the answers right away. The journey of self-discovery is ongoing. Be patient with yourself.
You're Not Broken, You're Becoming Whole
Look, I'm not going to bullshit you. This healing journey? It's hard work. There are days when I still doubt myself, when the old guilt creeps back in.
But I'm learning that joy isn't something I have to earn or perform. It's a choice I get to make, every single day.
I don't have all the answers. I'm still figuring this out as I go. But I do know this:
You didn't walk away to escape. You walked away to finally come home to yourself.
-Dorcy Pruter
The Path Forward
Healing isn't linear. You'll have good days and bad days. You might even have moments where you consider breaking no contact. That's normal. But remember why you made this choice in the first place.
Some strategies that have helped me:
Supportive Community: Whether it's online forums, support groups, or trusted friends, having people who understand what you're going through can make a huge difference. We have an amazing community the Sovereign Soul Collective you can find out more here.
- Self-Regulation Techniques: Here are three steps to drop into your body and regulate yourself:
- Grounding: Place your feet firmly on the floor. Feel the support of the earth beneath you. Take three deep breaths, focusing on the sensation of your feet connecting to the ground.
- Body Scan: Starting from your toes, slowly move your attention up through your body. Notice any areas of tension or discomfort without judgment. As you breathe, imagine releasing that tension.
- 5-4-3-2-1 Technique: Name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This helps bring you back to the present moment.
- Education: Learning about family dynamics, trauma, and healing can help you understand your experiences and feel less alone.
- Creativity: Express your feelings through art, writing, music, or any creative outlet that resonates with you.
Remember, healing isn't about forgetting or pretending the past didn't happen. It's about processing your experiences, understanding their impact, and choosing how you want to move forward.
If you're feeling stuck and want to dig deeper into your healing journey, I've put together a quiz that might help. It's called the Healing Archetype Quiz, and it's designed to give you some insight into your unique path forward.
When you take it, you'll get:
- Your main "Healing Archetype"
- Some tools and practices tailored to where you're at right now
- A guided meditation to help ground you
- Ideas for your next steps
It's not a magic solution, but it might give you a new perspective. Take the Healing Archetype Quiz here and download your free Healing Archetype Blueprint and Healing Archetype Activation and start your healing journey today.
Remember, you're not just surviving anymore. You're learning to thrive. And that's a beautiful thing.